Anderson

Last week something really cool happened.

One of the producers from Anderson Cooper's new tv show "Anderson" came across my blog online and she contacted me.

We talked on the phone about my life and my problems with addiction.  A few days later she contacted Cristina and they spoke about what it's like being in a relationship with someone who has problems with addiction.

She really loved our story and she invited us to be guests on their new show.

The very next day NBC flew Cristina and I to New York City to be on the show!

Cristina and I had so much fun.

I had never been to New York before so I was really excited.

Everything worked out perfectly because I had just gotten off probation the week before.  I had been on probation for literally the last 3 years and so I haven't been able to leave the state of Michigan during that whole time.

The last time I traveled anywhere was to Florida for spring break and that was in 2007.

NBC paid for everything! Our flights, our hotel, and even a limo driver to take us to and from the airport!

We ended up staying in New York for 3 days.  We stayed in a very swanky/modern (expensive) hotel in Manhattan.  The hotel was filled with models because of fashion week.

Cristina and I have been wanting to go away somewhere together for so long and this was the perfect opportunity.

It felt so good to hold hands with her and walk around the city together.

Originally I was told that the show was going to be about addiction and people in recovery.  But to my surprise the show ended up being all about Amy Winehouse and her tragic death.

Amy's parents were guests on the show and it was so hard watching them cry and talk about their daughter.

Cristina and I spoke to Anderson from the audience.  He asked us each a few questions but I think that I was edited out of the show.

Before the show they prepped us and told us what questions he was going to ask us...Well the questions that he ended up asking me were not the ones they gave me.

So standing there with Anderson Cooper staring at me dead in the eye and an entire audience of people and cameras everywhere, I as sort of caught off-guard.  I fumbled my questions and got really nervous lol

When Cristina was talking I was holding back tears.  It's so hard hearing the person you love talk about how your addiction affects them.  Hearing that stuff kills me inside.

It just goes to show you just how powerful addiction is.

Addiction affects everyone - Not just the addict

It affects every single person in your life, whether you realize it or not.



Here is a link to watch our clip from the show.  I don't think I've ever posted pictures on here of Cristina and I so now you can see what our beautiful faces look like lol


http://www.andersoncooper.com/videos/1_i3ubbbqn



Everything is still going really well..

I've been sober since August 28th so I think I'm something like 16 days clean.

I'm still doing IOP treatment 3 nights a week and taking my Suboxone every morning.

I've gone to some AA meetings but I definitely need to start going to more.

My mom has really been freaking out because I haven't found a new sponsor yet.

I just want to make sure that I choose someone good for me.  I don't want to just go to a meeting and randomly ask someone to work the steps with me.

I believe that choosing the right sponsor is kind of a big deal.

I mean this is someone who is going to be a huge part of your life.

Someone that you have to be able to trust and that has worked the steps themselves and has been sober for a substantial amount of time.

I'll find one.  It's just a matter of time.

I feel good about the way things are going.

I think everything is going to be alright.




.

8 Days Sober

These past few months have been a blur.

So much has been going on and I don't even know where to start...

I'm 8 days sober today.

Not exactly a substantial amount of clean-time but one week is a big deal to me.

I have to start somewhere...right?

Right now I'm doing an intensive outpatient treatment program.

I'm taking 4mg of Suboxone every morning.

Everything is falling right into place.

Good things have been happening to me all week.

I even got a letter in the mail from my judge saying that they are ending my probation early.

I wasn't supposed to be done with my probation until November of this year.

I couldn't believe it when my mom showed me the letter.

I feel that there are two reasons why all of these good things are happening to me:

#1 - I am sober

#2 - Because I have been doing "the right thing".  No lying, no manipulating, helping other people, not being selfish

I am definitely going to write some long blog posts to explain everything that has happened in the last two months.

I've already been planning out in my head what I want to write about.

I love writing so much and I miss my blog.

I'm excited to tell you guys about all of the madness that has been going on.

..........Yaaaa

Fuck my life.

Ok....

Soooo....

I'm not sure where to start.

I don't remember the last time I wrote anything in here, it was probably awhile ago.

To very quickly bring you up to speed as to what has been going on....

- I relapsed

- Fucked up bad

- Went to a hospital because Cristina thought I overdosed

- Was wheel-chaired into a treatment center to detox the following day because I was so fucked up I couldn't even walk

- Did a 6-day detox at a treatment center

Aaaand I just got home a few hours ago.

....Soooo....Ya.

I'll write something really sweet later tonight or tomorrow about everything that has happened (a lot has been going on)

I'm just so exhausted.

I haven't slept in two days.

I haven't been eating.

I feel like my head is spinning.

Why do I do this to myself????

The life of a recovering drug addict sucks sometimes.



.

At Peace

I feel so at peace with my life right now.

Cristina and I's two year anniversary is this Saturday.

My 25th birthday is a week from today.

Work is going really well.

I'm back in recovery; going to meetings and reading recovery-related literature.

It feels so good to be able to laugh and smile again.

It feels so good to be sober.



.

Removing The Stigma Of Mental Illness

Back In Recovery

It feels so good to be sober again.

When I look at myself in the mirror

- I can see life in my eyes.

I look so much healthier than I did when I was using Opana.

In my mind I thought that I looked fine, that no one could possibly notice that I was on drugs.

I was so wrong.

When I was admitted to rehab they took a picture of me.

I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks.

My skin was pale and I looked so disheveled.

Now that all of the drugs are out of my system

- I look and feel so alive.

I was discharged from rehab two days ago.

I am so happy that I went and I feel like being there might have saved my life.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I would've tried to detox at home then I would've been unsuccessful.

Going back to Brighton Hospital was exactly what I needed.

I was able to detox properly and get back into recovery.

I learned a lot while I was there and I met so many amazing people.

I did a lot of soul-searching during the 10 days that I was there.

The most important thing that I learned is that I cannot stay sober without going to meetings.

I cannot do this by myself.

I've tried so many times to get sober without going to meetings and the results have always been the same.

I manage to stay sober for 2, 3, or 4 months

- but I always end up going back to using drugs.

I need AA to be a part of my life.

I need to work the steps with a sponsor and give up the idea that I can live my life without the help of other recovering alcoholics / addicts.

There is a lot more that I want to write about but I need to wait until I can get our laptop out of the pawnshop.

It takes forever for me to write these posts using my cell phone and I really need to get our computer back.

Two weeks ago I accidently threw away my drivers license when I was picking up a script for Suboxone at the pharmacy I go to.

I have the money to buy our laptop back but they won't let me get it unless I have my drivers license.

I'm going to the secretary of state tomorrow so I should be able to get it back then.

I've really been wanting to start blogging again.

I miss writing and now that I'm sober I can finally think clearly.

I plan on writing at least 3 or 4 days a week so check out my blog from time to time and experience this new chapter in my life

- back in recovery

Thanks again to everyone who has been supportive of me and my recovery.

I really appreciate the love.

- Ross

Rehab

Hey everybody!

I apologize for not blogging lately but my life has been pretty out of control.

I've been using way too much Opana and I just can't handle it anymore.

I've been trying to stop on my own but I haven't been successful.

Last week I saw a new doctor and I got a script for Suboxone, but I still haven't been able to stop.

I was talking to my mom last night and she has had enough.  She is prepared to cut me out of her life if I do not stop using drugs.

She is going to stop paying my cell phone bill, my credit card bills, and she does not want to talk to me until I am really off drugs.

Luckily I have the next two weeks off work because of change-over.  Our plant is temporarily shut down because changes are being made to our assembly lines.

I decided last night that I wanted to check myself into rehab for the next few weeks until I have to go back to work.

These two weeks are the perfect opportunity for me to detox and get back into recovery.

I called this morning and luckily they have a bed available so I am going to check in today.

Cristina and I actually just pulled into the parking lot of the rehab so I have to go.  I was planning on writing more but I really need to get inside so that I can do the in-take process.

The day that I'm discharged I will give you guys an update as to how everything went.

I love all of you people who read my blog.

I appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement that everyone has given me.

Hopefully everything works out and this will be the last time that I have to go through all of this.

I love you all.

Please pray for me.

- Ross

Day 1

I hate feeling like this.

I didn't expect to have any withdrawals but apparently I've been using more drugs than I thought I was.

I've been laying in bed all day today.

I can't eat.

I can't sleep.

I can't think.

My stomach hurts.

My legs hurt.

I just don't feel good.

I don't have much to say right now.

I'll write something soon.

I'm going to drink a glass of water and try to go to bed right now.

My New Job

Work has been going really well.

I don't want to say too much about the company I work for

but I will say that we provide a product for one of "the big three" - one of the largest automakers in the United States.

Right now I am on a 90 day probationary period with the company.

I can't be late, I can't call in sick, I can't miss one day of work, and I have to pass all of my job evaluations.

I've already seen 6 new people get fired.

They don't hesitate to let people go because they know that it won't be a problem to find someone else who will take the job seriously and not fuck around.

After my first 30 days of employment I became a member of the United Auto Workers (UAW) union.

After 6 months I have the option to receive benefits.

I already have health insurance so I need to compare it to theirs and see which is better.



I'm starting to get used to working afternoons and not getting home until really late at night.

Right now we are working 10 hour shifts; Monday-Thursday, 5:00pm to 3:30am.

We've also been working 6-8 hour shifts on a lot of Fridays, which is nice because all of the hours are considered overtime.

The job that I'm doing right now is considered to be the worst job in the plant.

There are a ton of different jobs there but all of the best ones are taken by employees who have a lot of seniority and have been working for the company for a long long time.

Even one of my supervisors told me that I have the worst job there.

My job really sucks, it's hard work and is not easy.

By the time I leave work I am exhausted and my hands hurt so bad.

I've had two job evaluations so far and I have done perfect on both of them.

My supervisors tell me that I'm doing a great job and it really makes me feel good inside.

It's a rewarding feeling to know that I'm working my ass off and getting acknowledged for it.



I just need to be patient because in August I will be working a different job and I will also be working a different shift.

My new shift is going to be 8 hours; Monday-Friday, 3:00pm - 11:00pm

I can't wait.

I don't know what my new job is going to be,

but no matter what it is, it can't possibly be worse than the one I'm doing now.

It's going to be so nice working only 8 hour shifts in the afternoon.

I'll be home by 11:30pm and I'll be able to spend more time with Cristina.

Right now we barely get to see each other.

It is very rare that her and I have the same day off.

Saturday night is now our "date night".

Every Saturday night I take her out and we get to spend a nice evening together.



Working for this company has the potential to change from being just a job into an actual career.

That is if I chose to have a career working there.

I don't think that's what I want to do.

For the time being it is a great job for me to have

but it doesn't make me feel fulfilled inside.

I want to have a career that I enjoy and gives me purpose and meaning in life.

I really need to go back to college so that I can get a degree.

I still don't know exactly what I want to do

but I'll figure it out.

I Can Never Give Up

Three days after I celebrated 4 months of sobriety was when I relapsed.

I had dropped Cristina off at work that morning and I was driving back home

when all of a sudden it hit me.

The thought of getting high started to flood my brain.

I was feeling pretty depressed at the time and the craving to go get high just completely took control over me.

I stopped at an atm, took out $100, and started to drive to Detroit.

I had no phone numbers of dealers to call but I knew where I had to go.

It felt as if my body went on autopilot, all I was thinking about was getting high.

I didn't think about how what I was about to do was a huge mistake.

I just drove.

After 25 minutes I arrived at an apartment and I went and knocked on the door.

I saw his Escalade parked outside so I knew that he was home.

Sure enough he answered the door and let me inside.

I hadn't seen him in around 5 months so we talked for awhile before I made my purchase.

I wasn't interested in buying any heroin, I wanted OxyContin if he had any.

Unfortunately he didn't.

The only pills he had were 40mg Opana.

He was selling them for $30 a piece so I bought 3 of them.

I couldn't wait to get high so I immediately crushed one up on his table and snorted it.

The warm sensation that opiates give me rushed through my body.

The depression that I was experiencing and the physical pain that I was feeling from working my new job was all flushed away in an instant.

I talked to him for a few more minutes, got his phone number and then I left.

When I got in my car I looked at myself in the mirror and my pupils looked like tiny little black dots,

a dead giveaway that I was high.

It wasn't until I was driving home that I started to realize the severity of what I had just done.

I knew that I had really fucked up bad.

But at the same time I was trying to rationalize my actions.

"I only bought 3 pills, it's not that big of a deal."

"I'll just save the other two and do them sometime next week."

"If I don't start doing this all the time then I'll be ok, I just need to make sure that I don't do them everyday."

By the following morning the other two pills were gone and I was driving back to Detroit to get more...



And so that is what I've been doing for the last 4 weeks.

Driving to Detroit every few days, buying pills, and getting high.

I haven't been getting high everyday, usually around 4 or 5 days a week.

I haven't been doing any heroin; only OxyContin, Opana, and RoxyContin.

I've also only been doing 1 or 2 pills a day.

BUT I AM STILL COMPLETELY FUCKED IF I DON'T STOP NOW!!!!

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS SAME CYCLE FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!!



Eventually I will be getting high everyday

And the more I use - the higher my tolerance will go up

The higher my tolerance goes up - the more drugs I'll need to do

The more drugs I need - the more money I will need to support my habit

The drugs are already way too expensive:

80mg OxyContin - $60

40mg Opana - $30

30mg RoxyContin - $20

Eventually I won't be able to afford to keep up my habit of pills and so I will start doing heroin again because it is cheaper

By the time I reach that point it will not matter how much money I make at work

- it will never be enough

Which means that I will have to start stealing

The lying, the stealing, the drugs -

It will once again destroy my life.

As each day passes I will be closer and closer to death.

Not to mention that I will also be destroying the lives of everyone who loves and cares about me.



Cristina knows about everything that has been going on lately,

I told her the truth.

She said that she could already tell that something was wrong.

I'm pretty good at lying but she's not a stupid girl.

She knows when I'm high.

I haven't told my mom yet because I'm really scared as to how she'll react.

She is going to be so upset and disappointed in me.

I'm not sure if she read my last blog post but I think that if she did then she would have asked me about what has been going on with my lately.



I've been feeling so fucking depressed lately.

I've been crying all the time and I've just been really sad.

I'm so ashamed and disappointed in myself.

I don't want to continue to have problems with substance abuse like I have been for the last 9 years.

I can't keep getting sober for 3-6 months and then going right back out and making all of the same mistakes over and over again.

I just need to remember that I can't give up.

No matter what happens, not matter how many mistakes I make -

I can't give up and let drugs kill me.

I can't wait until I can see my therapist next week.

I haven't seen him since last month so it will be really nice to sit down and talk to him about everything that has been going on lately.

We were texting back and fourth last night when I was at work and this is what he said to me:

"Stop getting high now - this is life or death. Please my friend, say no to your weaker self.  Read your blog.  Your proud self needs to conquer your weaker and lesser self.  Self hate will annihilate any chance of success.  You must appreciate personally what we all see - the good, sensitive, real Ross R.  We all love the real you.  You are killing love.  You are essential to this earth,"

I thought that what he said was really nice, he always gives me the best advice.

As of today I've been clean for 3 days.

I've been having some minor withdrawals.

My stomach has really been hurting and I've been getting cold sweats but nothing too bad.

I never stopped taking any of my medications.

I'm still taking 300mg Wellbutrin, 50mg Pamelor, and 50mg Seroquel XR.

If I can't stay sober on my own for at least a month then I plan on starting to take Naltrexone.

I'm hesitant to start taking Naltrexone right now because I'm already on so much medication.

I'd like to thank everyone who commented on my last post for all of the kind words and encouragement.

I really miss writing in my blog.

I've been afraid to write anything in the last 4 weeks because I didn't want to write anything that wasn't the truth.

I was still hiding my drug use from Cristina so I didn't want to write fake posts about how everything was great and how happy I was, when in reality I was dying inside.

I want to make sure that everything that I write in my blog is 100% the truth, even if that means being brutally honest sometimes.

I have a feeling that I'm going to be ok.

I refuse to give up on myself.

Relapse

i relapsed and i've been using for the last month or so.  someone please pray for me.  i'm on my lunch break right now at work but i'm going to write something soon to explain everything that has been going on.  i've been feeling so sad and depressed lately.  i can't keep doing this to myself anymore.

Quick Check-In

Hey everybody!

I'm sorry for not writing anything lately but I promise that I am going to start blogging again!

I have been sooooo busy lately!

My shift at my new job is Monday-Thursday, 5:00pm to 3:30am.

We've also been working between 6-8 hours overtime on Fridays.

My body is still adjusting to working nights so it has been difficult for me to find time to concentrate on writing.

Things are going great!

Yesterday I celebrated 4 months of sobriety!

How awesome!

I have this upcoming Saturday and Sunday off work so I definitely plan on writing something both of those days.

Cristina will be at work so I'll have time to myself to sit down and blog.



They let us out of work early tonight and I just got home.

It's almost 3:30am here in Michigan.

I thought that I would just do a quick check-in to let everyone know that I am still alive (and sober)!

This weekend I'll write more about everything that has been going on in my life lately but right now I feel really tired.

I'm going to eat a bowl of cereal and then go to bed.

I'm exhausted!

A New Chapter In My Life

Time seems to be flying by.

I can't believe that in a few weeks it's already going to be May.

Finally it's spring time here in Michigan.

The weather is starting to get a little warmer outside and winter seems to be over.

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

A chapter that involves hard work, responsibility, honesty, love, happiness,

and of course - sobriety.



Tomorrow is my first day of work and I'm so excited.

I'm probably going to be one of the youngest people working there so I feel like I have something to prove.

I would be lying if I said that I'm not nervous but I am confident that I will do well.

Last Tuesday I went and filled out the rest of the paperwork for my job.

Everything sounds great.

It pays well, I'll become part of the UAW union, and the health care benefits are awesome.

The only thing that sucks is that I might have to work the afternoon shift, which would be from 5:30pm to 3:30am.

I don't even care though, I'm ready to work my ass off.

The good news is that I'll be working 10 hour shifts Monday-Thursday so at least I'll have 3 days off a week.

I opened up a new bank account so that I can receive direct deposit.

Last week I asked my mom if she could go over all of my bills with me so that I can figure out how I am going to budget my money.

She seemed very surprised when I asked her.

Normally SHE would be the one telling me to look at my bills

and not the other way around.

I'm really taking my life seriously now, I'm done fucking around.

I think that it's time for me to grow up and start acting like an adult.

I don't want to have to rely on my family or Cristina to take care of me.



I can't believe it.

I went to the doctor the other day and I gained weight!

I way 195 pounds now!

That's more than I've ever weighed in my entire life!

I'm by no means fat or anything like that, but I have a little chubby belly now lol.

I've noticed that my jeans haven't been fitting the same as they used to.

When I went to rehab last November I weighed 175 pounds.

That means I gained 20 pounds!

The doctor said it's because,

#1:  I quit opiates

#2:  I quit smoking cigarettes

#3:  I take the prescription med Seroquel

I think that I might have to start exercising or something.

I've been skinny my whole life and I don't really know how to exercise so I don't know where to start.

We have a really nice treadmill at our house, maybe I should start running on that or something.

As the length of my sobriety grows - the less and less I think about drugs.

In fact,

I don't think about drugs at all anymore.

My cravings to get high are gone.

I no longer feel the urge to drive to Detroit so that I can escape reality.


I think that's why I haven't been writing in my blog as much as before.

My life has been going so well and I've been having trouble thinking of topics to write about.


Right now is a very critical time for me.


I have all of this good stuff going on in my life and I need to make sure that I don't throw it all away.

Getting sober has never been that difficult for me -

It's LONG TERM sobriety that I have always struggled with.

Maintaining sobriety is a daunting task.

The longer that you're sober, the more confident that you become.

It is very important to not make the wrong decisions.


You can never forget that addiction is just waiting for you to slip up so that it can try to kill you.

Addiction tries to trick you into believing that you can "control" your drug use and that things will be "different" this time

- but that is all a lie.

Any addict that relapses and starts using again will always end up in that all too familiar dark place that drug addiction takes you to.

The place where your life becomes a living hell.


My old AA sponsor texted Cristina last week and asked how I've been doing lately.

I felt extremely guilty because I haven't seen or spoken to him since last December.

He has probably been wondering what the hell happened to me.

I texted him back and gave him my new phone number.

I've been meaning to call him so that we can talk but I've been procrastinating like always.

He is going to be so surprised when I tell him how well I've been doing.

Do you know what the difference is between him and any other of my old "friends"?

He actually cares about me.

When I call him he will want to know how I'm feeling emotionally, how my sobriety is going, how I'm doing spiritually, if there is anything that he can do to help me.


The more that I'm thinking about all of this,

maybe I should go to a meeting.

I need to sit at a first step table.

I've always loved sitting at first step tables because that is where you'll see a reflection of yourself.

A reflection of how you looked when you first had the desire to get off drugs.

Typically people who sit at first step tables are new to the program.

They are often in very rough shape, crawling in the doors of AA after getting their asses kicked by alcohol and drugs.

They have that look in their eyes.

The look of desperation.

The look of no hope whatsoever that they will be able to get off drugs.

There is something about hearing those people talk that really gets to me.

It makes me think to myself,

"Ross, if you start drinking and using drugs again - that will be you.  You will feel exactly like they do inside.  You will be in that same dark dark place."



Maybe it's time for me to make my triumphant return to AA.

I haven't felt the need to go but it certainly couldn't hurt.

I should call my old sponsor and go to a meeting with him this week.

It would probably feel good to have another person to talk to who knows what I'm going through.

I need to make this new chapter in my life one that I will never forget.

The chapter that changes my life forever.

The Saddest Thing In Life Is Wasted Talent

"The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever."

I love that quote, it's so true.

Over the last nine years that is exactly what I have become,

"wasted talent".

My problems with addiction, depression, and anxiety have always caused me to not think very highly of myself.

I've never thought of myself as being capable of accomplishing anything in life.

These are some of the thoughts that used to be going on inside my mind all day everyday:

-  "I am a loser."

-  "I don't deserve to be loved."

-  "I'm going nowhere in life."

-  "I am so stupid."

-  "I'm not good enough."

-  "I deserve to die."

-  "I'm different than everyone else."

-  "My addiction / depression / anxiety will never go away."

-  "Nothing matters."

-  "All I do is hurt everyone around me."

-  "The world would be so much better if I was gone."

If anyone reading this struggles with depression than you know what it feels like.

It's the worst feeling in the world.

You feel like you would rather be dead than have to wake up everyday feeling that depressed.

I have never tried to accomplish anything in my life because I've always felt that I would fail.

"Why even try?  I'll just fuck it up like I've fucked everything else in my life up."

I became so accustomed to failure that in some twisted way,

I liked it.

After years and years and years and years of feeling that way

-  I have become "wasted talent"

The poor choices that I've made have prevented me from achieving anything positive in my life.

I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm not a loser after all.

Maybe I can set goals and accomplish them.

Maybe I do matter.

Maybe...just maybe...I do deserve to be happy.

I always wonder...

Why am I still alive right now?

Why didn't I die when I was in the very serious car accident?

Why didn't I die when I used to drink and drive everyday?

Why haven't I been shot and killed by drug dealers in Detroit?

Why haven't I overdosed and died yet?

How come every time I've ever tried to kill myself I've failed?



I think that I'm still here for a reason.


I think that my "talent" is that I genuinely care about other human beings.

I am a very emotional person and I communicate well with others.


I want to help people.



I am so envious of my therapist.

He currently has somewhere around 20 clients that he sees.

That's 20 lives that he affects in some way, shape, or form.

And that's not counting all of the clients that he no longer sees anymore.

He is making a difference in the world.

He is saving lives.



That is what I want to do.

I want to become some sort of therapist / substance abuse counselor.

I really like the saying -

"To keep what you have, you must give it away."

That is what I need to do.

I need to share my experiences with other people who are struggling with substance abuse problems and show them that there is hope.

I want to show addicts that it is not impossible to live a life that does not involve drugs.

By helping other addicts and giving away all of my experience, strength, and hope

- it will help me maintain my own sobriety.



I'm a lot smarter than I ever thought I was.
My problem is that I've been putting all of my energy into nothing but getting drugs to get high for far way too many years.

It has become all I know.

Now that I'm clean I feel like I can unlock my full potential and the "talent" that has always been hidden inside of me.

I know that I'm only 90 days clean but it can't hurt to shoot for the stars.

I know I can do it,

I can help people.

I just know it.

I have something special that most people don't have.

I don't know what to call it, but I know that I have a gift that needs to be shared with the world.

I don't want to look back at my life and feel like I've been nothing but "wasted talent".

Ross Then / Now

I have really been slacking with my blogging lately.

I just noticed that I haven't posted anything in a week.

I feel so out of the loop with everyone else's blogs too.

I don't normally comment on anyone else's blogs but I do normally read them everyday.

I like to see what's going on in the lives of the people that are involved in our online support group.

It breaks my heart when I read about people who are going through tough times in their lives.

I often take for granted how lucky I am to be doing so well lately.

It is a real wake up call when I read about other people who are struggling with addiction, similar to sitting at a first step table at an AA or NA meeting.

It's a reminder of how my life will be if I choose to go back to using drugs.


The reason that I haven't been blogging lately is because Cristina had a mini-vacation last week; five days off work.

We painted our bedroom a new color and she re-decorated it.

I am so happy that we are finally done!

Now I won't have to be dragged to Bed Bath & Beyond, Garden Ridge, Christmas Tree Shop, Target, and other girly stores to look at bedroom stuff.

"How do these colors look?"..."Do you like this comforter for our bed?"..."What about these nightstands?"..."Curtains?"..."Sheets?"...

Blah.

I think it's hilarious the way that most guys look while they are shopping with their significant other.

We all have the same look of complete and utter boredom on our faces.

We are typically hunched over a shopping cart, slowly pushing it as we follow our loved one throughout the store.

Every question asked gets replied to with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

"Yeah, that looks great."

"Sure, get that one."

Why do women even ask for our opinion when they are going to buy whatever they want anyways?

I don't know anything about home decorating or women's clothes!

One time we were shopping at Target and this woman who was with her husband said to Cristina,

"Wow!  Look how happy our men look!"

Her and Cristina started laughing.

The man and I looked at eachother and didn't say anything out loud but our faces said to eachother,

"I feel your pain.  Hopefully this will all be over soon."

Ha!



Last Wednesday night my therapist called me and asked if I would be willing to talk to another client of his.  He said that the client and I had a lot in common and that maybe I could show him that it really is possible to change.

Naturally I said yes, I would love to speak to him.

So Thursday morning my therapist and I spoke with his other client.  I won't say much about the young man to protect his privacy, but he really did have A LOT in common with me.  He was a few years younger than me (22 I believe) and he is going through the exact same problems that I have experienced before.  I could tell that he has the desire to change, he just needs to take action.


One thing that I stressed is that change is NOT easy!

But it IS possible!

-  Change does not happen overnight

-  Change often involves doing things that you DO NOT want to do

-  Change takes a lot of hard work

-  Change is big commitment and when it involves addiction it needs to be taken very seriously

-  Change involves being open-minded to try new things

-  Change can only happen if you are doing it for YOURSELF and not because someone else wants you to change


It may seem impossible to most addicts, but it really is possible to change your life.


I told the young man what my life was like while I was using drugs and then compared it to what my life is like now - the two different sides of who I am.


Ross Then:

-  Slave to drug addiction

-  Depression and anxiety made me hate myself

-  No relationship with my family

-  Liar, thief, manipulater

-  Could not live life without getting high

-  No self esteem whatsoever

-  Could not be trusted

-  Depended on my parents to take care of me and all of my mistakes

-  "Friends" who didn't really care about me

-  Could not keep a job for longer than six months

-  Numbed my emotions

-  Isolated myself to hide how I was feeling inside

-  Saw no future for myself other than death at an early age

-  No life in my eyes

-  No hope that I could change my life


Ross Now:

-  I have a girlfriend (who doesn't drink alcohol or use drugs) that I am in love with

-  My relationship with my family is slowly improving

-  My self esteem is at an all-time high

-  I no longer lie, steal, or manipulate

-  I am slowly gaining trust back from my loved ones

-  My depression and anxiety is gone

-  I am starting a new job that I will actually be making decent money working

-  I can feel my emotions instead of being numb to them

-  I am becoming more independent and I'm trying to not rely on my parents so much

-  Drug addiction is no longer destroying my life, I'm over 90 days clean right now

-  I don't feel like I want to kill myself anymore

-  I live life without drugs and I feel happier than ever before

-  I laugh and smile like I used to before I started using drugs

-  I see a future for myself

-  I have hope that as long as I stay sober then my life will continue to improve


You know what scares me?

Is that all it could take is one relapse and all of the good things in my life right now could be taken away from me in an instant.

I've relapsed many many times in the past and you would be amazed at how fast drugs can regain control of your life.

All it could take is one OxyContin or one shot of heroin to send my life back into a downward spiral until I crash and hit the ground, shattering my life into a million pieces.


I don't ever want to feel the way that I did when I was using drugs.

I like the new Ross better.

Month Three / The Last Time I Got High

As of last Sunday I've been clean for 3 months!


I am so happy that I've made it this far.

I've come a long way since January 3rd 2011.


I remember that day like it was yesterday...


Cristina dropped me off at my parent's house on her way to work.

At the time I wasn't using everyday but my mind was still completely consumed by the urge to go get high.

My parents were at work so I was all by myself.

I had no cell phone so I used my parent's house phone to call someone that I knew would have some heroin.

I was relieved when he answered the phone and said that he did.

He was driving back from Detroit and he told me that he was flying to Florida in a few hours to go to rehab.

I didn't believe him because he always talked about how he was going to go to rehab.

The month prior he really did go to rehab but he was kicked out after only one day for sneaking in Xanax.

He told me that he would come pick me up and he would let me shoot up a pack of his dope because it would be the last time that I saw him for a very very long time.

In my mind I was thinking...

"Yeah...right.  I'll call you tomorrow and you'll be doing the exact same thing that you do everyday: driving back and forth from Detroit to pick up dope."

I was anxious for him to show up.

He told me that he would be over in 10 minutes but in drug addict time that could mean 10 hours.

Surprisingly he showed up in about 20 minutes.

I was outside smoking a cigarette as he pulled up to my parent's house and told me to get in the car.

We drove around the block and parked in front of someones house.

He was already high.

I could tell because he could hardly open his eyes.

I told him to give me the pack that he promised me and then he replied...

"Just wait a minute."

His eyes closed and his body slumped into his seat.

I got aggravated by his nonsense and told him to wake the fuck up.

He perked up for a second and said...

"I can't give you a whole pack man, I don't have enough.  I need to make sure that this lasts me until I go to the airport.  (bla bla bla bla bla...lie lie lie lie lie)  Sorry.  Here, you can do this and here are some of my rinses.

I yelled back at him...

"I knew you were gonna fucking do this!  What the fuck man!  Why do you have to lie like that?  If you didn't have it you should've just told me no!"

When he opened up his bag I could clearly see that he had enough to give me a pack but beggars can't be choosers.

I mixed the tiny crumbles of heroin with the rinses and drew as much dope as I could into my syringe.

I took the belt that he kept lying in the backseat of his car and tightened it around my arm, searching for a vein.

I found one, slowly pierced my skin with the needle, and drew the plunger back.

When I saw my dark red blood start to fill up the barrel of the syringe

I pushed down on the plunger and watched as the dope shot directly into my body.

Instantly I felt the feeling that I was anxiously waiting for all morning.

I was high.

I lit up a cigarette and told him to drop me back off at my parent's house.

As he slowly drove around the block to drop me off he kept going on and on about how he really was going to rehab, he was going to get clean, bla bla bla bla bla.



He was saying the same thing that all addicts say when they're high.

"I'm really going to quit this time!  I swear!  Tomorrow everything's going to change!  Things are going to be different this time!  I'm going to rehab!  Seriously!"

I have said all of those same things many many many times so I know what it's like.

Getting clean is the most important choice that a drug addict can make.

When you're high it is very easy to say that your life is going to change.

But what about when the drugs are gone and you start withdrawing?

What about when it feels like you're dying and the only way to make the pain stop is to go get high?

When the withdrawals start it is extremely difficult to keep the promise that things are going to change.

It takes a lot of strength to get through the withdrawal and it is definitely not easy.



Anyway,

So he drops me off in my parent's driveway and as he's driving away he rolls down his window and says something stupid and honks his horn a few times.

After I finished smoking my cigarette I went inside and laid on the couch.

By that time the high that I experienced was gone.

I didn't get to shoot as much as I normally did so the effect didn't last very long.

I started to analyze my life...

"What the fuck are you doing Ross?  You haven't been using everyday so why did you just shoot up?  You know that you can't just use drugs occasionally.  Do you really want your life to be how it was a few months ago?  Do you really want to be sick everyday?  Living a life that consists of absolutely nothing but getting high?  You just shot up and now look at yourself.  The high is gone.  You are back to how you felt this morning before you decided to call that loser that just picked you up.  Why are you doing this to yourself?  Why are you doing this to Cristina and your family?  Do you want to loose everyone who loves you?  Do you want to be alone?  Homeless?  Do you want to die?  Is getting high worth losing your life?"

I must have sat there for an hour analyzing every little thing that was going on in my life at that time.

Suddenly I stood up, walked into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.

I started talking to myself out loud...

"You can't do this anymore.  You can't do this anymore.  You can't do this Ross.  You can't keep doing this.  You can't keep getting high.  You just can't.  You're going to die."



I have not used drugs since that day.

I threw away all of my syringes.

I threw away the piece of paper that had all of my drug dealer's phone numbers on it and the people that I used to get high with.

I went on facebook and blocked and deleted every person that I used to get high with.

I got rid of every single thing that made me think about getting high.

It turns out that my old "friend" really did go to rehab in Florida.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since that day.

I don't know if I would've gotten clean without him going to rehab because he was the #1 person that I used to rely on.

He lived in a sub-division right next to my parent's sub and I could always count on him to pick me up, drop me off stuff - whenever I needed drugs I could always call him.

I don't ever want to see or speak to this person ever again.

Never.

I hope that he's doing well and I hope that he's clean but I know that there is no way in hell that I can ever talk to him ever again.

Three weeks after that day was when I decided to create this blog.

I can't believe that it has only been 90 days since the last time I got high.

It feels like it has been 3 years, not 3 months.


By the way,

On Sunday my mom called to congratulate me on my 90s days clean and to say how proud she is of me.

And then she tells me that she has known about my blog this entire time!

Ha!

She said that she found out about it on facebook but she didn't want to say anything because she didn't want me to think that she's nosy.

I told her that I didn't mind at all.

I'm actually relieved that she has been reading it.

Moms know everything!  I swear!

She loves my blog, but there are some posts that she doesn't care for.

It doesn't surprise me that she feels that way but I'm still not going to hold back what I want to share on here.


I don't mean to totally change the subject but my new employer just called and told me that I'm officially hired!

I've been waiting for this phone call for months!

The woman from human resources said that I have to fill out the rest of the paperwork next Tuesday and then I will start work on Monday April 18th.

I am soooooooooo happy right now!

I need to call Cristina and my family.

My mind just went totally blank as to how I was going to end this post so I guess I'll end it on this note:


Good things really can happen to a recovering drug addict like me.

Climbing Mount Everest

I can't believe that I haven't been on here in almost an entire week...

I usually try to write a new post everyday but for some reason I've been having writer's block lately.


I received some e-mails this week from people asking how I've been doing lately.

I would like to apologize for not responding in a timely fashion.

I am a huge procrastinator and I'm so bad at replying to comments and e-mails.


Nothing new has been going on.

Cristina had the day off work on Monday.  We went to the pawn shop and finally got the rest of our stuff back.  I never want to go back to that store ever again, it brought back bad memories.  It made me think about all the times that I went there sick, withdrawing, begging to get as much money as possible for whatever it was that I was trying to sell.

I think that pawn shops take advantage of people (drug addicts at least).  They can see how desperate you are to get money and so they pretty much give you nothing near what an item is actually worth.  I was looking around the store on Monday and I was trying to imagine how much of the store's merchandise was stolen.  I would guess that at least 40% of it was.

Monday night we ended up going out to dinner with Cristina's parents.  We usually go over her parents house once a week.  Cristina and I are very lucky because her parents love me and my parents love her.  It's funny because we can tell that both of our moms are so excited to be grandparents lol.  I can't wait until we can have a family of our own but now is definitely not the time.

We missed the Families Against Narcotics event on Monday night because we were at dinner.  I was bummed that we weren't able to go.  I asked my mom about it yesterday and she said that they had a fantastic turnout.  My mom also told me that this upcoming Monday our local news station, Channel 4 News Detroit, will be doing a segment about FAN.  I think that's really cool.  I hope that more people hear their message and decide to get involved.

I talked to my uncle about my work situation.  He told me that I have the job and that they are going to call me within the next two weeks.  I can't believe that I've been waiting for over a month now.  I would give more details about why it's taking so long but I don't want to say anything about the company.

Both of the books that I ordered from Amazon came in the mail.

I read "Defining Moments: A Suburban Father's Journey Into His Son's Oxy Addiction" and I was very disappointed.  I didn't care for it at all.  The book was really short and I read the entire thing in one day.  I'm kind of upset that I wasted $10 to buy it.  The book wasn't at all what I expected it to be.

I haven't started reading "Dreamseller" yet but it looks really good.  It is definitely a "Ross type of book".  I think that I'm going to start reading it after I'm done writing this post.

Not only did I get my iPod back but I also bought the new cell phone that I've been wanting.  I had to switch carriers from Verizon to AT&T but I'm happy that I did.  It is a little weird though because I've been with Verizon for six years and I'm so used to their service.  I love my new phone, I'm such a dork when it comes to technology.

I couldn't believe it.  Last night I bought a new pair of headphones and within an hour of coming home one of our cats chewed them in half!  They were $17!  Not a ton of money but for someone who isn't working that's a big deal!  Our cats are awful.  They already chewed my old headphones and broke them.  When I buy new ones I'm going to have to get some sort of protective case or something.

I still haven't told my mom about my blog.  I don't know why I'm so nervous about telling her.  I over-analyze things wayyy too much.  My mom and I were talking the other day and she told me that she can see a positive change in me.  It made me feel really good inside to hear her say that.  It's nice to hear one of my parents recognize that I am doing something positive.  I think that my dad is so consumed by the past and all of the mistakes that I've made to even realize how I'm doing now.

My therapist likes to compare my recovery from drug addiction to climbing Mt. Everest.

I really like that analogy because it's true.

Not only am I fighting to stay sober but I am also climbing "Mt. Everest" in hopes of one day reaching my goals and dreams.

My journey began when I took my last shot of heroin.

Somehow I found the courage within myself to attempt to climb the "mountain" that always intimidated me.

Taking those first few steps was extremely difficult and it has been an uphill battle ever since.

Obstacles have gotten in my way but I have not allowed them to stop me from ascending towards the top of the "mountain".

I have acquired many different tools since I've started my journey of recovery and I've used them to get me where I am at today.


Tomorrow I will be 90 days clean.

No heroin

No OxyContin

No Suboxone

No Xanax

No weed

No alcohol

No cigarettes

- Nothing.


I still have a long way to go before I reach the summit of "Mt. Everest" but I am confident that if I stay sober then someday I will reach my goals and dreams.

The most important thing I need to remember is that

If I slip and fall - I have to get up and keep climbing.

I can't give up.

When I turn around and look down the edge of the "mountain"

the ground looks so far away.

I'm doing what I never thought was possible -

Living a life without drugs.

My Mom

My mom does not know about my blog.

Actually, no one in my family knows about it.


My mom has told me before that she does not want to know the details of my drug abuse and all of the horrible things that I have done.

I don't think that she wants to be reminded of the past.

- the lying, the stealing, the drugs

- all of the times that I hurt her

- the constant worrying about whether I was ok or not

Plus there's a lot of stuff that I've talked about on here that she doesn't know about.


I don't want to make her feel like she's a bad parent,

because she's not.

It's not her fault that I'm a drug addict

and she's not responsible for my life being the way that it is


She has done nothing but give me love and support.


I can picture her reading my blog...

crying her eyes out.

Thinking about all of the things that she could have done differently as a parent.


What do you think?

If you were my mom would you be upset or embarrassed that I talk so openly about my life and my family?

Do you think that because I'm only (almost) 90 days clean that it might be too soon for her to read this?


I think that I should wait until I have more clean time before I decide to share my blog with my mom.

I know that she will be proud of me but I don't want to make her feel sad.

Music

When I was in rehab we were not allowed to have mp3 players or anything like that.  I was seriously having music withdrawals.  I kept daydreaming about being back at home, driving in the car with the music playing loud.

Something funny happened one day.

I went to the gift shop with a friend of mine to get something to drink.

When we walked into the store we both looked at each other and asked

"Do you hear that?"..."Where's that coming from?"

Low and behold there was a tiny radio faintly playing music in the back of the store.

We rushed over and put our ears to the speakers.

This was the song that was playing.

It put the biggest smile on my face.

I want my fucking iPod back!

Not having it is starting to drive me crazy.

Three weeks ago I went to the pawn shop to buy it back but they wouldn't let me.  I have the slip to get it out but it doesn't have my name on it.  I totally forgot that I wasn't the one who pawned it.

I had someone else pawn it for me because I was trapped at my parents house that day and wasn't allowed to leave.  I had the person secretly come and pick up my iPod, pawn it, drive to Detroit to get us heroin, and then drop the drugs back off to me with a clean syringe.

Anyways,

The guy who worked at the pawn shop told me that the only way that I could buy it back was if I had the other person's drivers license.  Obviously that is not going to happen.  As far as I know this person is still in rehab in Florida, plus there is no way in hell that I am going to contact him.  I pleaded with the guy and told him that all I wanted to do was buy it back - that's all.  Luckily he was nice and he told me to call him on the day that the pawn slip expires and he will sell it back to me before he sells it to anyone else.

So this upcoming Monday I should be able to get it back...finally.

I can't believe that last summer I gave someone my laptop in exchange for one 80mg OxyContin.  I was so fucking dope sick at the time that I didn't even care.  You have no idea how much music that I've lost because it's gone.  Thousands of songs that I will never be able to find ever again.  It sucks.  Since we got Cristina's laptop out of the pawnshop I've been trying to download as much music as possible to catch up with everything that I missed while I was "gone".

I tried to pawn and sell anything that I could get my hands on when I was using drugs.

I didn't care what it was.

Now I'm like "What the fuck?"

All of my nice stuff is gone.

The sad part is that sometimes I bitch and complain about it.

Poor me!

I don't have my laptop!  I don't have my nice cell phone!  I don't have my iPod!

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

I need to remind myself that the reason I don't have any of those things is because of me and the poor decisions that I have made.

Oh well.

I may not have all of the material things that I want.

But I do have music, peace, love, and happiness in my life.

Which is even better.

Lifestyle Change

Thank you to whoever it was that recommended I buy books off Amazon instead of from Barnes & Noble.  It is so much cheaper!  I ordered two books last weekend and I can't wait for them to come in the mail.

The first book I ordered is "Defining Moments: A Suburban Father's Journey Into His Son's Oxy Addiction", written by Bradley V. DeHaven.  It is a true story about a father and his love for his drug addicted son.  I went to the book's website and it had this link to an article in the news about the dad's story.

OxyContin Kid: A Granite Bay Dad's Wild Attempt To Save His OxyContin-Addicted Son

 

The second book I ordered is "Dreamseller", written by Brandon Novak and Joseph Frantz.  I saw it in the gift shop when I was in rehab but when I went to buy it someone had already bought the last copy.  The book is an addiction memoir about the life of Brandon Novak - a famous skateboarder.  Novak is known for being friends with Bam Margera, who is part of the group of idiots who make the "Jackass" movies.  I really don't like Bam Margera but I still think that this book will be pretty good.

dreamsellerthebook.com 

It's funny because I used to hate reading.

Up until last November I hadn't read a book since I graduated from high school in 2004.

My only hobby used to be getting high.

That was it.

I didn't know how to enjoy myself without escaping reality.

When I was in rehab I realized that I needed change.

I've learned to become more open-minded and willing to try new things.

I've tried yoga, meditation, acupuncture, exercising, creative writing, reading, and some other things.

I've been eating healthier and treating my body a lot better than I used to.

I even quit smoking.

I never planned on quitting, it just happened.  One day I noticed that smoking just didn't feel like it used to.  The cigarettes started to taste gross and I no longer had the desire to smoke.  My last pack of cigarettes lasted me an entire week.  After it was gone I decided I was going to try to quit and I haven't smoked since.  I think it's because of the meds I'm on but who knows.

The reason I have pictures in my blog related to Buddhism is because I believe in the Buddhist belief system.  I started researching Buddhism last October and it really grabbed my attention.  I will talk about that in another post because religion is a whole topic in itself.

Reading and writing every day has really helped me a lot.

Writing in my blog is therapeutic and allows me to release my emotions in a positive way so that I don't have to keep everything bottled up inside me.

Reading books and news articles has allowed me to become more educated about addiction and my mental health problems.


The result of my lifestyle change:

I feel healthier

I sleep better

I look better

I feel better

Depression and anxiety is no longer controlling my life